


Light shines bright from the inside

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Mental Health Issues, Reader-Insert, Supportive Castiel (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25980514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: You fear you've lost your soul so you call Castiel to help. Your soul is intact and it turns out that the real reason for your troubles is very different. To keep you safe, Cas persuades you to make a difficult choice, making it gives you hope for a better future.
Kudos: 2





	Light shines bright from the inside

"Castiel, please come. I think I've lost my soul. I need you," came a quiet whisper in the corner of a dimly-lit bedroom.

"Y/N," the angel replied, standing by the chair you were currently sitting in. "What happened?"

"Can you check if I'm soulless? Please. Samuel told me how you checked for his soul. I know you can," you said. 

"If Samuel told you that, then you know how painful you would find it," Cas paused for a moment, thinking. "Do you sleep?" he asked eventually.

"Of course I sleep," you scoffed. "I'm still human, even if I'm soulless."

"No," Castiel shook his head. 

"No? What do you mean, no? Wait, are you saying I'm a monster?" you finished, horrified and offended. Truth was, Samuel had told you very little about soullessness during the brief time you had crossed paths with him, and you had let your imagination run away with you, hoping for a clear-cut and simple explanation. 

"Y/N, please. Listen," the angel begged. "You are not soulless. If you were soulless, you wouldn't need to sleep."

You opened your mouth, then closed it again. You couldn't decide if you were relieved or disappointed, but it was the expression of dismay that crossed your features that caught Castiel's attention. 

"Souls, once lost, are near impossible to return. You should be happier, Y/N. Why aren't you happier?" he asked gently. "Tell me."

You opened your mouth to speak, but found that the words wouldn't come. There was so much to say, and it made so little sense, and there was really no reason you should be bothering a Goddamn _angel_ with your petty fears. You squared your shoulders and shrugged, forcing your lips upwards into what could pass, perhaps, as a smile. "I'm okay Castiel, really. Thanks for your time and everything, but I made a mistake, that's all. I won't keep you any longer." 

Castiel did not move. "I have time," he said. "And I want to hear it." He waited expectantly. 

"There's nothing to hear," you said, not meeting his eyes. 

Castiel had been among humans for long enough to, by this point, recognise stalling. 

"There is. Start with how you're feeling."

"I'm not _feeling_ anything," you burst out, annoyed. "Wouldn't have called you if I was. Just numb," you finished, softening when you saw that Cas was continuing to wait calmly for your explanation.

"I didn't think too much of it at first. I'm a hunter, we don't let feelings get in the way, obviously. But then someone mentioned that Amara can take souls and we'd had a run-in with her a bit before it started and I thought she must have somehow gotten hold of mine. Got scared I'd hurt people. So I called you. But," your face took on a contrite look, "I should have looked into it before bothering you. I know you're very busy, especially now."

"It's alright" Cas assured you. "Even if she didn't take your soul, perhaps I can still help you. Can I take a look?" he asked, gesturing at you head.

You nodded. 

Castiel smiled reassuringly and read your thoughts. A swirling mess of worry, fear, shame and discomfort was the first thing he noticed. Underneath that was violence. Thoughts of killing werewolves, memories of taking out vampires. Arguments, guns, alcohol. Blood. This was the repressed layer. The things you didn't consciously allow herself to feel or grieve or remember. Many a hunter had lost their minds to those things before, many a hunter would in the future. He didn't want you to become one of them. With a heartfelt sigh, he came back to himself, only to see you watching him expectantly. 

"You need to stop," he said. 

"Stop what?" 

"Hunting." 

"What? No!" you protested. "You can't make me," you continued, your expression cold and a little frightened. 

"I wouldn't make you," Cas promised. "You're a grown woman, you can make your own decisions." You nodded, slightly reassured. "Why do you even think I should stop?" you asked, curiosity getting the better of you. 

Cas smiled, glad to be given the chance to explain. "You're good, everyone knows that." But it's getting heavier. It's why you stopped feeling, even though those feelings are still there. You're blocking them, because a part of you knows they can destroy you."

You looked at him suspiciously. "And you know this because?"

"When I read your mind, I could feel your emotions. They're there, some closer to your conscious mind, some buried deeper. I think you're repressing all of them." 

"Okay," you said slowly, uncertainly. "And is this just an issue for me?"

"It's not. Lots of hunters lose their minds, some of them because of doing this. It's worse with you though. I don't know why," Cas paused for a moment. "What happened with Amara?" 

"She killed people. So many people. She killed this child, and I'd promised to protect her. And, my group, we lost three people that night." Your voice was empty, cold. Cas wasn't sure whether it was your tone or your words that chilled him the most.

"So after that, things became numb?" Cas asked.

You nodded, shivering a little. 

Grabbing a jacket from your chair, Castiel held it out to you and, without a word, you shrugged it on. "I don't know what to do," you finally admitted. "People need me. This life is pretty much all I know."

"Eventually, you won't be able to keep the feelings out anymore. You've been doing this for years, and I think it's piling up. I've never seen a mind as bottled up as yours. And, I don't know when, I don't know how, but things are going to start leaking out. That could hurt people, Y/N. That could hurt _you_. This is dangerous. Remember Sam Winchester's wall? This is like that. Until you've dealt with what's already there, how can you add more to it?"

"How can I deal with it? I don't even know where to start," you demanded.

"You take a break," Cas said. "You talk, to a professional if you can, to me if you need. Call me whenever, and when I'm free I'll come."

"I know," you nodded. "I want to refuse, hell a part of me wants to throw something, but you're right. So I guess there's no point arguing when I'm out of arguments. I want to be okay and this has been going on long enough, so I will make a break, a clean break, for now at least."

Cas exhaled, more relieved than he would ever say. He would never make you do anything, but he knew you needed a break and he had expected persuading you to be far harder. You were a hunter, and a stubborn one at that, after all. "What will you do?"

"There's this bar in Kentucky, and I should be able to get a job there. One of my exes runs it and she messaged me to say she's single and do I want to get back with her. I thought I'd say no, but honestly I want to. I really miss her. She knows about all this too. Only person outside the life I ever really told, so she should understand."

"I'm glad," Cas said sincerely. "If anyone deserves a bit of happiness, some hope, then it's you. Promise me you won't waste it. Promise you won't run back in the moment something happens."

"You know I can't - "

"You can pray to me, you can call Garth. If something happens, there are other options." You opened her mouth to protest, but Cas continued. "Please, I'm scared for you."

You nodded then, perhaps more shaken by this admission than by anything else that had happened. If Castiel, this being who to you seemed invincible, untouchable, was scared for you, then something was really really wrong. And, looking back, you realised you should have known that all along. People don't think they're soulless for nothing. They don't have endless nightmares and urges to scream and cry all the while believing they don't feel for nothing. Things had come to a head, and you understood with a shudder just how lucky you had been, just how wrong things could have gone. You turned and looked Cas straight in the eyes.

"I promise." 


End file.
